Are you ready for the time of your life?

So I figured I would let everyone know how it's going at my end LOL Well they could be better in many ways. Am I that bad of a daughter?! A person?! Like seriously, I know I do make my own mistakes and I probably make a million a day. I know I'm not perfect and I won't ever be. So why hold that against me? There are plenty of people out there who would love to have a daughter like me, and plenty of people who would love to be friends with me as well. So what if I'm not all that. The truth is, is that I really am 'cause I know within myself I'm not. Now I think I'm confusing myself LOL But why hold something against another person, human being when you yourself go thru the same problems, feelings, experiences? When I got out of mass last evening, I got a call from home, and I thought I was ready to just leave my life. Yes, I just wanted to go and not be here anymore. On the other end of the line, what I heard was pretty much what I had to go thru when I was living at home all the time. You would think that since I'm living at school most of the time that that anxiety, stress of what's going to happen to me today would be relieved a bit more, but it never does. "You shouldn't do that!", "Don't do that, do this!", "You need to try harder". Well those were just the 'nice' versions of what I got on the phone. Sometimes I just wish I could run away from it all. I know someday, whenever that may be, I will be able to escape all this and live the life I want to, and be happy about it. Whatever may happen to me out there when my time comes, I know I will survive. It won't be easy, but I'm ready for what comes my way.

Some time ago, when I had gone home for the weekend, I usually go on Friday afternoon and return back to school on Sunday early afternoon sometime, things had gone good thru the weekend and I was happy it had (for once, how often does that happen with me). I had packed my things and put them in the car, and before I left, was making sure I had everything with me hoping I didn't forget anything. I left my house, angry and frustrated of how could she ruin my weekend when things had gone well. Just as I was about to leave, she had to cause an argument. Why now, why couldn't you of done this sooner?! And it was about something stupid, as she always seems to find something stupid to cause a problem. And I was doing good not to keep at it as I knew it could be a problem and argument avoidable. But no, she kept at it, and I just had to end it before it got worse, so I said "I'm leaving now, bye" and ran out the door. I just couldn't stay there any longer, for fear of what will happen if I stayed there any longer. Someone had to be the adult in the situation, and even tho running out the door in anger wasn't one of the best things to do usually, in that situation, I had too. Sometimes you just have to leave the room to let the steam go before you say or do something you will regret. Many times, I do wish I could just be the kid I am (still in a sense, even tho I know I'm an adult as well), and enjoy life now as much as I can when not concentrating on school and some other things. After all, I'm going to be looking back at this time, and remember what I did and how I felt. But nonetheless, I can look back on this event and know how I handled the situation was probably the best and right thing to do as how I thought an adult would handle it. Btw, when I got back to school, it takes about a little over an hour to return there from home, I called home and said I had arrived and I was going to do whatever I was going to. End of story.

In other news, school has been interesting. The past couple of weeks, I've been really stressed. With school work, and some personal problems, sometimes it's difficult to keep it together. There have been many times I have just cried in my dorm, thinking about how I wish things would become easier. But they won't, they never do. They will become much, much harder before it gets easier. I think to myself, it's ok to cry and let it all out, it's ok to take a break from it all once in a while to think, it's ok to go out and take a walk or a drive to refocus. Everyone should and can do that because you just need to once in a while. It does help. Lately I'm trying to do some of these things to make things 'easier' for me, so the stress and anxiety can lessen. In some cases it works, and others it doesn't. But that life and there is no way to make everything better, or easier for that matter. I just got to keep at it because even tho there will be another task for me to do all over again at the end, I will happy, proud, relieved that I accomplished the previous task and however big or small it may be, I'm better and it and can say with a high head, "I did it!" The person I'm at the end of each experience, is a much better, stronger person and I should be proud of that no matter the circumstance. It's so much better to think positive of how it's over now, you survived and knowing you can handle something more because you're just going to feel so good about yourself at the end. Sometimes, some situations have a bad, or not so good ending. It happens. And I've been there. As difficult as it may be/seem at that time, it will be time before it goes away. It may get worse before it gets better, but I try myself at least to remember that it won't last forever. The stress I'm going thru at school and with personal problems may seem endless and will never go away, but in time they will and I just have to do my best to cope with it. It won't take control of me, or my life, I won't let it. Sometimes it seems/feels like I'm weak and not in control, but I just have to come above that and get myself together again. It will be ok at the end. I won't give up. I will be a much stronger, better person at the end and these experiences will be with me forever to learn from them. I have dreams I want to fulfill, and even if my past experiences sometime may not seem like they will be of any significance to my future, well it depends on how I interpret them, as it goes for anyone. And one thing I do know for sure, you are NEVER to old to dream and live it out! I won't give up that easy, and as a woman I deeply respect once said, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." As Eleanor Roosevelt became and lived her wonderful life, I will do the same as I want to be the best person I can. I will fight thru it!

Ok, so I was going to add this blog yesterday, but I thought I would wait until today to post it. So as you read it, remember it was written yesterday because in the first paragraph it talks about that day and the ones before it. You will see what I mean.

Hi everyone: So I'm in my dorm crying, and thinking what I did wrong this weekend. Things were going good and then all of a sudden, I was like what did I do wrong this time. I don't even know how it happened and it has left me with red eyes right now. The only good thing about what happened is that it made me think back to everything I have gone thru and I realized something. I've never really told anyone the whole story and I think it's best not just for me, but for other people to know my story. Who knows how any people have been thru some of my experiences and are afraid to come out and share them. If someone else needs to stand up and do what's right, that will be me. Sharing my story can save a life. And if you wish to share my story with others, you may. And it would be great to know if you do.

For those of you who may not know, I'm adopted. My mom was 17 going on 18 at the time and living in a small town in Portugal, being poor and also having my sister at the age of 16 going on 17, she just knew she couldn't take care of me. Then, she knew what she had to do and no mother wishes to give up their kid. But her being the strong brave person she was, she gave me up for adoption. I wasn't even born yet when I was. As long as I can remember, I've known I was adopted and also that I had a sister. When I was 8, I got a letter from this lady who had helped with the adoption, and she said that my mom had died of cancer. I don't exactly what kind or when. At that time, being so young, I didn't know what that meant and I couldn't imagine what my sister was going thru having to grow up with my mom. Sometimes I wish I could of met her once before she died, my mom that is. Even if I never got a chance to meet her, it hurts. I may not have gotten a chance to meet her or got to know who she was, she was still my mom, the one who really cared and wanted the best for me. My sister, we talked a few times and lately it has been really distant. My dad, I don't know who he is, where he is or anything about him but one day I hope I can find out.

Ever since I was a little girl, I never really had a good family. My mom's side lives in Canada and I don't really see them ever or get a chance to talk to them. The times that we got to see each other, it was weird cause I don't fit in at all with them. And I always had to see some of them arguing a lot, especially with my grandma too. Being younger, I was scared. My dads side, well it's a lot worse. He has 2 sisters, both younger. The older sister, well her and my dad don't talk anymore. It has been YEARS. And the other sister, they started to argue, and my mom got/was involved so they just stopped talking to each other as well and that was 3 years ago since I last heard or seen her. My dad and my grandpa, they just stopped talking for some reason which I don't even know why. So growing up without much of a family, I was lost. I grew up seeing people arguing, some had alcohol problems, divorces, abuse in some cases. That has definitely had an affect on a young kid like me at the time. Of course, no matter what people said to the younger kids, we would always find a reason to blame it on ourselves.

I can remember being so young, and there were specific times I remember getting abused. The reason I don't really know exactly but I do remember being abused. Of course, as a kid growing up I had my share of troubles, but that's part of growing up. There was no need for the abuse I got. Violence wasn't and isn't to this day, the answer. And what I mean about abuse, was the it was both physical and mentally/emotional. Even to this day, I still get mentally/emotional abuse from home. That's why I said I don't like going home cause I don't know if things are going to be good or bad. There were times where I tried sticking up for myself, and that made things worse. I've always been second best to my brother. My parents couldn't be more proud of him because one, he has a job he enjoys a lot and is making good money. But I on the other hand, will be getting a job I will love to do also but they (my parents) always criticize me cause they don't like it. I always tell them that I'm going to be happy doing what I enjoy doing like my brother, no different. Yeah, the amount of money I get won't be as much, but I don't need money to be happy. What I will be making will be enough for me to get what I need to survive, I don't need anything else because money doesn't buy happiness, you make the happiness you deserve.

There's something else I have been keeping my whole life. Some people know some parts of my life that I shared above, but this I never told anyone but 2 or 3 people. I was about 6 or 7 years old, around there. I remember the location, the places in the basement. Even upstairs too but that wasn't as frequent. What I'm talking about, well, I suppose you could say I was molested. I didn't know what it was at the time, and I didn't say anything to anyone cause I was told not too. You might be wondering who did this to me. It was my grandpa. To this day and for many more years to come, I cannot tell my family what happened. But I will tell it to the rest of the world because I want to stop it to other children. And to just get things straight, because that happened to me, doesn't mean that was the reason why I'm a lesbian today. I knew I was gay before I was molested.

Ok, so just because I'm only 19, doesn't mean I don't know what's out there because I do. I had to grow up at a very young age. I've been thru my share of hell. And I do know I have a lot more to learn and I cannot wait to. I'm making a stand to share my story now, because I don't want to be hiding, keeping quiet whatever you want to call it because I want to help others like me. Things will be better for you in the future, don't ever let go of hope because if you do, you will get lost and lose your sense if wonder. I've tried remaining as strong as I could, and I know that will everything I have been through, I'm a better person now. I'm stronger, smarter and now that I'm sharing my story, I hope I can save a life. Be an inspiration to others. Follow your heart and do what's right because I will never no matter how hard the road may be for me in the future. I will be a leader for others who need it, because I will not follow what I've gone through. I'm the leader for doing what's right and making a difference.

Since the first day of college this year, I was hoping it would be a better experience that last year and so far it has been. Last year was like an experience and unfortunately it wasn't a good one. But this year, I'm like thinking to myself I pray it's better. Luckily, yes it happened. My classes are going well I suppose. They could be a lot worse. Also I have become more involved with activities on campus since I live on here. I am not traveling over an hour everyday for an 8 am class. And anyway, it's too far for me to travel each day. Sooo, I've become more involved with this little church we have on campus, every Tuesday, there's a bible study in the evening, and on every Wednesday, there's mass also in the evening. On certain Thursdays, there's a dinner there and I suppose a movie or games or something rather or another after. It was fun I suppose but it is just the beginning and I'm sure it will get better. There is also the GLBT Pride Center I'm involved with. On the second and fourth Wednesdays of every month, there's a discussion like meeting where we go to and hang out and talk about certain things and help each other out. On the third Thursday, there's a movie they do and I decided to do that too to hang out with people etc. With the Church and Pride Center, there's other little extra events that go on but don't seem as consistent as to what I said so far. But all in all, they are great and I'm glad I'm involved in these two.

There are also some other activities around campus I want to check out and see how they are. One is the AWARE on campus which happens every Thursday evening, so I'm hoping to start that out this week. At least that takes care of my Thursdays more often lol. (Tuesdays Bible study, Wednesday either Mass or Pride Center and then certain Thursdays possibly Church or Pride Center)...but otherwise on Thursdays it's the AWARE. Oh and I almost forgot that today when I checked my school email, there's these student announcements we get daily, and when I went to check it out, there was this one thing that said there was am English Society "meeting" later on today for anyone who is interested in joining a club like that. This 'club/organization' or open to any student or any major to join so this evening I will go see how it is and hopefully this is something I can do also. And I'm hoping if I do decide to do it, that we meet on Mondays LOL :-P

Besides what I'm doing on campus, I've had some time to myself to get my work done ahead to be able to do what I want to do. One thing is to catch up on my reading. I've started to read "Might as well laugh about it now" by Marie Osmond. I find it quite interesting and funny so far. I can' stop reading it. I also started to learn to teach myself to dance different genres of dance like Ballroom to start off with, but of course it's just the basics until I find a partner, if I ever do. Anyone interested?? LOL Oh! and for all you country gals and girls out there, I FINALLY learned how to line dance to the song "'Good Time" by Alan Jackson. I cannot wait to learn how to dance to other country songs. Anyone have any suggestions?? And I guarantee I will be able to learn it within an hour like I did with the Jackson song. Besides reading and my learning to dance, I will begin to learn french. Like English, Portuguese and Spanish isn't enough. :-P hehe. Well now that I bored you with my blabbering, I am off to get ahead of my work once again so I can be more free later on today and the week.

hey y'all. I'm so excited and couldn't be happier. Sunday of last week, I moved back to college. I spent the afternoon unpacking and having a good time. Then I had 2 days to myself which was nice. Classes started on Wednesday and they seem interesting and fun. I still haven't had all my classes yet as on Mondays, I have a lab for my Bio class on some mornings. Otherwise college is going well. There some things going on campus that I cannot wait for them to come sooner. I planned on going to them for a long time now and I just want those days to come. But all comes in good time. As a Bruins game I'm going too. I believe I'm going next month with someone. It will be just the two of us and I'm so excited. My first Bruins game ever!!! =D Well, I thought I would update really quick of why it's been a while since I've been here. Once I finish up with some work for school, I will be back and I should pop in a couple more times this week as I do my work ahead. Bye for now. 

So as the summer finishes off, I look back at what has happened and it has been one of the worst summers I can ever remember. For the first two months or so, it has been raining mostly, with a couple days of the sun sneaking in, and once the rain had settled, it continued to rain on and off a few days here and there. When I was at work the other day, I was working sometime in the afternoon until close, it was still sunshine out. At about 6:30-7pm (which it doesn't get dark until 8:30-9 here), it got pitch black. Apparently there was a tornado watch until 9 that night, so everyone who was working thought that we would leave early and close down for safety purposes. But the people who were at the front end didn't want to. As costumer after costumer came thru my line, I could see some lightning starting. When I was free, I turned my head towards the window, I saw a lightning bolt and I was scared after that and thinking why the heck aren't we going to close early for the safety of everyone. Moments later, it stared to pour and continued that way for about an hour later. We remained opened but I wasn't too happy as something could of happened. That was just one of the memorable instances that I won't ever forget at word during the summer at least.

I also went to a wedding in June, four days after my birthday. It went good I suppose, except for that the bride showed up about a half hour late because of traffic. I don't think I put up the pictures of that day but I will soon. I also have a few more pictures to put up here as I just never did. Way to go Sara!! Hehe. I haven't been able to go to the beach or any water parks once this summer which we always do every year at least once ='( The only time I was able to go in water was a pool party I went too but the weather wasn't even that good.

Also in June, I went to a friend's graduation (which I will put pics up lol) and I was excited. It was too long tho! This was the first summer I was able to have my own car and drive it by myself. I'll be doing it on my own now to go to college and back home. I know I won't be coming home often lol.

I move back in to college on the 30th....5 days!!! =DDD Trying to get a room was not easy but I got one. It was a double but when I found out who my roommate was, I emailed her to see what she was bringing like in terms for a fridge, microwave etc. but she told me she dropped out of housing so I don't have a roommate at the moment. Oh well.

So facebook is still exciting...seems like there's more going on there than spaces and myspace. Never say never like you won't get any as I said I would never get either a facebook or myspace. But once I found out that I had more friends and family on there than I realized, I'm like...I was wrong. I'm just glad I can keep in touch with them because of that.

So I've been throughout the summer writing things here and there, like I've had in the past. But the last few pieces, I wanted to try to write songs...as I do have a few notes on the piano made up, so I'm like why not. The problem is, is that it ended up more like a less of a song and more like a poem or something rather another you know? So as I'm thinking of what I want to talk about in future blogs...I'll start with something I made up to give me ideas...who knows....I might come up with another Sara-Fly War hehe. But the thing is....is that these next 2 pieces aren't necessarily finished yet..they are still incomplete and I'll be working on them more.

When I close my eyes tonight, I'll be thinking of you, As I always do, I'll be dreaming, Of all the times we've spent, I fall asleep now, With a smile on my face, And knowing when I wake up, With the morning sunshine, Coming through my window, My heart will be smiling too. You will forever be loved by me, No matter what we go through, You will always find me there, All those good times and the bad, That have and will be shared together.

the beauty in your soul, the sunshine in your eyes, the warmness in your heart, is a little part of why I love you so, you smile so perfectly, you laugh just the same, being in your arms-priceless.

Ok, someone call the watch dogs to come and find me. It seems as if I had run away from you all. It's not true. I'm sorry I haven't been much to chat with you all here. I have so much to say yet so little to talk to you all about. The summer has been so crazy for me and I just don't know what to do anymore. I am looking forward to going back to college at the end of the month...well moving in that is. I cannot wait. When I have the time...which will be in the next few days...I will be back to the old Sara you all use to remember when I blogged. I'll be blogging and adding new pics. So I hope you are all ready for the updates in which you haven't been having lately. Yes, easier said than done, but y'all know me :P So until I pop in again tomorrow...how's y'all doing? Any exciting summer stories? Be glad to hear anything new. All my love, Saraaaa

When you feel so alone, with no one to go to like friends or family, what do you do? Even if you talk to some people on occasion, doesn't it feel like that sometimes they are distant or they act different than they did before? I know many of us feel that sometimes we are the only ones in the world and everyone walked out on us. How do you handle something like, or a similar situation?

I'm sorry I have been distant from here, and in effect, I have lost a few friends. I hope that no matter how often I blog, I won't lose any more. I have been so busy this summer looking for a 2nd job but know it won't be easy. I've also been going through so much at home that it is so unbearable and have been looking for a place to move out to.

Since I have been away from here (spaces), I've been thinking of what I really want to use this for. Facebook, I use to meet new friends and connect with old ones and that is where I am most of the time. That is where I feel I am able to connect to more people. Myspace, I use to find old friends and ones I know presently and keep meeting. But what about spaces? This is where I can meet new people, and then anyone else I know from facebook or myspace that I have met. Unlike facebook and myspace, spaces allows me to write what I feel. It's like my own journal. And that is what I'm going to try to do more often. I need to let out what has happened and what I feel on here. I hope I can reach out to others who are in my position. On the other hand, facebook is more like a "live", more interacting place I can reach others and I am more than happy to accept anyones friend request. That goes along with myspace. It's a new perspective. Spaces has given me a new view on how I can reach people, how I can meet others in a different way. I have gone through so much these last couple of months (as well as my whole life) but more greatly in the last few months. I feel that I can let it out here more than facebook and myspace in a different perspective. So if you would like to know more about or reach me another way, feel free to look me up on facebook or myspace.

Hi Everyone! Hope you are all ok. I just wanted to pop in quickly to say hello and that I don't know when I will be blogging again as usual. I am expecting starting tomorrow night. I won't be around tomorrow checking up with everyone as I have because it's my birthday. Yes it is. I cannot wait. Although my birthday did start at 7pm because I am European LOL So I get an extra 5 hours HAHA Anyway, I hope my birthday will go well! See y'all soon and behave everyone! ;-P

Hi EVERYONE!!!!! :-D Woow, has it been a looong time since I really gave a descent blog! LOL Well now I am!!! I'm on summer vacation for a couple of weeks now. Since I got home, I've been working, or looking for another. It was a pain because for that first week, week and a half I called in, the guy who usually does the scheduling wasn't in. So I was filling in for people. Finally, after the longest time, I was able to reach him buuut he still didn't give me a set schedule. Today I went there and I still don't have one. I also have been looking for a second job because one, I'm not getting enough hours and two, I could the extra money.

It seems as if I don't have much to talk about yet I do. HAHA. My emotions have been going off LOL But what's new, I'm a woman. LMAO!!! Oh well. I don't have much planned for the summer. Well I kind of do actually. I'm working of course, going to some water parks, the beach, and a wedding 4 days after my birthday!! That will be exciting. And if I do take pics, I promise I will post them up. Well, I'm gunna get back to my movie search 'cause I wanna watch one before bed. And I will be blogging more, but it will probably be at night. So I hope everyone will come by more often! I just really wanted to let everyone know I'm alive. LOL I miss all of you soooo much! Love y'all.