Ok, so I was going to add this blog yesterday, but I thought I would wait until today to post it. So as you read it, remember it was written yesterday because in the first paragraph it talks about that day and the ones before it. You will see what I mean.

Hi everyone: So I'm in my dorm crying, and thinking what I did wrong this weekend. Things were going good and then all of a sudden, I was like what did I do wrong this time. I don't even know how it happened and it has left me with red eyes right now. The only good thing about what happened is that it made me think back to everything I have gone thru and I realized something. I've never really told anyone the whole story and I think it's best not just for me, but for other people to know my story. Who knows how any people have been thru some of my experiences and are afraid to come out and share them. If someone else needs to stand up and do what's right, that will be me. Sharing my story can save a life. And if you wish to share my story with others, you may. And it would be great to know if you do.

For those of you who may not know, I'm adopted. My mom was 17 going on 18 at the time and living in a small town in Portugal, being poor and also having my sister at the age of 16 going on 17, she just knew she couldn't take care of me. Then, she knew what she had to do and no mother wishes to give up their kid. But her being the strong brave person she was, she gave me up for adoption. I wasn't even born yet when I was. As long as I can remember, I've known I was adopted and also that I had a sister. When I was 8, I got a letter from this lady who had helped with the adoption, and she said that my mom had died of cancer. I don't exactly what kind or when. At that time, being so young, I didn't know what that meant and I couldn't imagine what my sister was going thru having to grow up with my mom. Sometimes I wish I could of met her once before she died, my mom that is. Even if I never got a chance to meet her, it hurts. I may not have gotten a chance to meet her or got to know who she was, she was still my mom, the one who really cared and wanted the best for me. My sister, we talked a few times and lately it has been really distant. My dad, I don't know who he is, where he is or anything about him but one day I hope I can find out.

Ever since I was a little girl, I never really had a good family. My mom's side lives in Canada and I don't really see them ever or get a chance to talk to them. The times that we got to see each other, it was weird cause I don't fit in at all with them. And I always had to see some of them arguing a lot, especially with my grandma too. Being younger, I was scared. My dads side, well it's a lot worse. He has 2 sisters, both younger. The older sister, well her and my dad don't talk anymore. It has been YEARS. And the other sister, they started to argue, and my mom got/was involved so they just stopped talking to each other as well and that was 3 years ago since I last heard or seen her. My dad and my grandpa, they just stopped talking for some reason which I don't even know why. So growing up without much of a family, I was lost. I grew up seeing people arguing, some had alcohol problems, divorces, abuse in some cases. That has definitely had an affect on a young kid like me at the time. Of course, no matter what people said to the younger kids, we would always find a reason to blame it on ourselves.

I can remember being so young, and there were specific times I remember getting abused. The reason I don't really know exactly but I do remember being abused. Of course, as a kid growing up I had my share of troubles, but that's part of growing up. There was no need for the abuse I got. Violence wasn't and isn't to this day, the answer. And what I mean about abuse, was the it was both physical and mentally/emotional. Even to this day, I still get mentally/emotional abuse from home. That's why I said I don't like going home cause I don't know if things are going to be good or bad. There were times where I tried sticking up for myself, and that made things worse. I've always been second best to my brother. My parents couldn't be more proud of him because one, he has a job he enjoys a lot and is making good money. But I on the other hand, will be getting a job I will love to do also but they (my parents) always criticize me cause they don't like it. I always tell them that I'm going to be happy doing what I enjoy doing like my brother, no different. Yeah, the amount of money I get won't be as much, but I don't need money to be happy. What I will be making will be enough for me to get what I need to survive, I don't need anything else because money doesn't buy happiness, you make the happiness you deserve.

There's something else I have been keeping my whole life. Some people know some parts of my life that I shared above, but this I never told anyone but 2 or 3 people. I was about 6 or 7 years old, around there. I remember the location, the places in the basement. Even upstairs too but that wasn't as frequent. What I'm talking about, well, I suppose you could say I was molested. I didn't know what it was at the time, and I didn't say anything to anyone cause I was told not too. You might be wondering who did this to me. It was my grandpa. To this day and for many more years to come, I cannot tell my family what happened. But I will tell it to the rest of the world because I want to stop it to other children. And to just get things straight, because that happened to me, doesn't mean that was the reason why I'm a lesbian today. I knew I was gay before I was molested.

Ok, so just because I'm only 19, doesn't mean I don't know what's out there because I do. I had to grow up at a very young age. I've been thru my share of hell. And I do know I have a lot more to learn and I cannot wait to. I'm making a stand to share my story now, because I don't want to be hiding, keeping quiet whatever you want to call it because I want to help others like me. Things will be better for you in the future, don't ever let go of hope because if you do, you will get lost and lose your sense if wonder. I've tried remaining as strong as I could, and I know that will everything I have been through, I'm a better person now. I'm stronger, smarter and now that I'm sharing my story, I hope I can save a life. Be an inspiration to others. Follow your heart and do what's right because I will never no matter how hard the road may be for me in the future. I will be a leader for others who need it, because I will not follow what I've gone through. I'm the leader for doing what's right and making a difference.